The horrendous horror story of the 6 pack sporting Irish speaking Greek god

Well, just the other day I was commenting to somebody, I don't know who, but somebody, its always somebody isn't it. But, coming back to the point, I suddenly noticed now when I looked at me'self in the tinted glasses at the parking lot of me hotel. And lemme tell yea you lads and burls, it aint a pretty sight no more. I mean take a dig at this will you. The six pack sporting Greek god who believe me still has those 6 pack abs which make women tie their panties into a knot and make men want to wear them. There has just been a small technical snag we have hit somewhere in the middle of the full blown drinking binging – active sex life – doing border line sexual activities. I have managed to not just conceal these 6 pecs, but, hold on, you better sit down for this one son… They have moved away from their original position. So now 2 pecs which were the closest to me rock hard solid granite concrete chest (which have comforted women on more than one occasion and the numerous abrasive toxic chemicals present in women's tears have failed, miserably if I may say so me'self at even making a dent in that body I like to call as armor of virility…have no bleeding idea what the last line means… but it bleeding sounds right!). Yeah! Coming back to the top 2 steps leading down to Nirvana…I believe some god spoke in some scripture about people having to go down on their knees to reach/see/touch/play/fondle/ other bleeding adjectives you get the idea right(?) heaven itself. Now those 2 pecs have gotten themselves lodged in me jaws, just where I used to use those babies to cut glass while shaving. I mean in me jaws? Focking tossers!!!

The ones which were in the middle? You are now kind of a bit curious aren't yea? Hold on, its an entirely bigger shock…Those 2 seem to be having such a jolly good time together I think now. I mean earlier there was this suez bleeding canal separating where many a finger has marked the course from the Alps most people refer to as chest, down the 2 to which are now lodged in me bleeding jaws of all the places. Now the 2 pecs in the middle are friggin shagging each other day and night like bunnies, and they don't seem to be aware of this concept called 'using – the – bleeding – rubber' or pills. I mean if the world doesn't go pop one fine day (getting reminded of Hugh grant singing that song from 'music & lyrics'…have no bleeding idea why? So don bother asking me…) my bleeding tummy will…I mean you have to see it to believe it. (Tickets will soon be issued for feeling them up… stay tuned for exciting offers…)

Anyway, so moving on… on to from the blimey ol soggy jaws and the ever expanding family of bug shagging bunny… The last 2, the very last bastion, the last frontier before one attains salvation, for which women have so long seduced women since Adam. I mean before I go ahead and give attention to the last 2, it is only the right thing to do to pay due hype and build up for them. And I just have to tell you, that there are going to news about the alarming number of women dropping dead. Plain bleeding heart-ache you will suppose. But no, there is more to all this…The main cause is the image in their heads you see which is really saying the body to drop dead… yes! Just like that… You see when you have taken the most joyful road to the perfect paradise, and right before you stop and make your 'O - face' (you know the one where your mouth makes an O and you go "oh-oh-oh-<string of expletives>-god-yes- so on and so forth") you hit couple of speed breakers, you know just to test the person taking the trip if they really want to go ahead and taste paradise, to slow down, enjoy the view, get excited over the anticipation of what's in store for you. But now, because of the bleeding bunnies inside of it, planning world domination, it is just a small up-hill and a HUGE downhill landing them right on top of the paradise. The place where fruits hang around from well endowed trees. I mean it really is not bleeding fun now is it?

 

Anyway, where was I? Yeah! The last 2 pecs… well those 2 have decided to copulate behind my back. No really! No joking, I am not pulling on your legs here, they have just decided that the 2 of them above needed some privacy, so they decided to move behind. So now, I have a over-aggressive tummy, and a decent polite caring ass, I would say it has gone a bit soft isn't it. I mean pun intended. It used to be so hard and firm that it was listed on the stock exchange and sought after by avid hard-core loyalists. I mean I am sitting in here, in Chennai Airport and this wanker who likes he has got his head stuck up his ass and who is currently reading whatever I am writing…take that you dick head! Yea! Take that tosser! The Greek god does not wish to look like this piece of dip shit. No way in bleeding hell that's going to happen. There may be hope out there, somewhere… I don't know where… but somewhere… I can sense it! Or so I like to believe. One of these days, I am finally going to get some sleep and when I wake up, I would have those naughty little 6 wankers back in place like little mama's boys. Or I should just maybe I should just whip them back into place. Wonder why the former option sounds so enticing. And since its enticing, god's should never…ever… have anything but the best… the former option it is…

So that is where me find me'self. Really Horrible story I tell you. Real pity it is.

Anyway, have I told you that I am on the look out for a new name. An altogether new identity. Anyway will fill you up more on that later on. Gotta run now.

Ta Ta.

 

Ps: say…if anybody of you read this before M does, tell her am taking a break. I know I am being a prick. And I just got my death warrant issued. And just to make sure that it is a death warrant and not a warrant to leave me all maimed, tell her not to call me… I will call her… Oh also tell her that the party was awesome! I mean sure everybody had a ball, save the Irish speaking man (fake accent) stuck in a place full of kids dancing to tunes which were not played since movies came with sound and with a date who was gracious enough to leave me on to my own device in a place where I did not know the dick from the head.

Top 10 Worries…

Its 5:27 AM. I just finished Chetan Bhagat's latest book called "the 3 mistakes of my life", and knowing the Indian consumer this too shall climb the best seller list, not good as 5 point someone, not bad as one night at the call centre. But I realized as to why Chetan's book hold the reader the way it does, these are fictional stories but you can relate to the character. It speaks of friendship, love, betrayal, misunderstanding from a perspective where not few people who are lost in melancholic thoughts live most of their lives in, but from a perspective every other Indian sees things from and lives life.

 

I mean the book and certain other things have set me thinking. There is this urge to suddenly go get all my dreams, this sudden raving passion building deep inside me, something similar to the feeling I get in my gut whenever I finish watching one of the Rocky movie's or finish watching Good Will Hunting. I need to do something, anything... I have seen people peg me something or the other, and I have always known that it is not the right category, because I don't know what I am. There are certain words uttered by people which are still rankling deep inside my psyche. Something very close to what Vince Papale got to hear from his wife who wiped him clean but not before she finished writing up this note on a piece of carton "You are good for nothing...You are worth shit" or something of that sort.

 

I remember getting into a similar state sometime back in college, when I was down with 13 arrears ( back papers, suppleee or KT's however you refer it to), I remember the taunts from the guys staying in the next door to my room about how I was a good for nothing, and how all I am really interested is gettin myself fucked over and over again. Something I guess my father still believes and likes to bring to the limelight whenever he gets the chance.

 

I know I had the brains to get it done, but like I mentioned before am not really that strong as I disillusion myself into being. I know others too who are finding it bit difficult out there with no jobs and no support in the name of family or friends watching out for you. And in the last 6 months I have gone and burnt all my bridges with every single one of my friends and family. Stubbornness? Stupidity? Arrogance? Ego? God knows! But I did.

 

So I haven't spoken to anybody in my family in well over a month. I intend on carrying forward this silence with them for as long as I can. With friends, well... We have just drifted apart, you know something called life happened to all of us. Somebody did tell me long time back that a day like this would come. And I never did listen to them.

 

I do want to prove a point. To whom I really don't have any idea. But you do work yourself into this self righteous anger when somebody raises fingers about your intelligence. At the end of the day nobody wishes to be in the wrong. I know I have done many wrongs, a lot I have documented here, a lot I will take to my grave. I have been wronged more often than that.

 

I had things in control for a maximum of a week. And every single time, I manage to do this, a ghost from the past comes haunting. And my reality ceases to exist. I don't suppose its abnormal for one to do something like that. Neither is it healthy for one to keep doing the same things again and again. Anyway, in the last couple of months these are the things which have occurred and they have bothered me to no end and I need to get them out of my system:

 

1. My father is a dick. He has proved it on more than one occasion. And I was fool to be mistaken and be led to believe otherwise.

 

2. Preethi and me stopped conversing. Part of it was ego I believe. Part of it paranoia. And my mum really should start understanding that she never did control any part of my life, she never did influence me in any manner and she is not going to get her way by manipulating people whom I respect and I care for.

 

3. I finally moved on. I mean relationship wise. Yes, the whole feelings for Nish aren't there anymore. Well not as intense as it used to be, where I drop everything am doing and spend some precious moments over the phone laughing over the years gone by. The intensity has died down. But I know that if am anything which people may mistake to be human its all because of this one single woman. And I will always love her. Maybe not with the same intensity. But I will.

 

4. I realized that to be happy, one needs to stop asking the vicious circle of Qs. The one's where you begin questioning with an innocent Why? and ending up questioning your very existence. And I will always thank M for letting me in on the secret.

 

5. I really need to apologize to M sometime. Not for putting her through shit, we have done that enough. But for being incapable to make her understand where I come from and how I think. I need to apologize to her and tell her that I am sorry I was confused and I still am. I am sorry that I made her into a cynic. Am pretty sure that she is going to cry when she reads this, and she is going to read into this a lot more than what it intends. And I am going to get pissed because she is going to be crying, and she will try her best to hide it.

 

6. I love my job, but the boss is taking away all the fun away from it. Kinda like the damn demantors. Thinking about how long I should stick on to this job.

 

7. I got my exams in exactly a month's time. Got shit loads to study. I have finally crawled and found the due diligence to hit my books every night, even if I am reading just a paragraph I am studying. Though the speed bothers me.

 

8. I am shit broke. I never was comfortable with having no money. Always brings back shitty memories from childhood. Brings back memories where my friends have pitched in for me, when Nish has stood up for me against her friends. And it has left me feeling a sense of gratitude. Which oddly seems misplaced right now. I have no idea why?

 

9. I am bothered that M has still not found out what she wants to do. I am getting increasingly bothered about the state of affairs for H1 visa holders. I am bothered about how one person's lack of career goals pisses me off, and how one person's comments about me suffering from the same broke me. But in my defense I always knew what I wanted to do, I was lazy yes. But I had the path in front of me. It was clear. I am bothered that when I finally decided to walk the path, I am left with no travel mates.

 

10. I am getting extremely worried about my lack of forgiving skills. I still wanna get back at my ex-room mate due to whom I got suspended from college. I still wanna get back at my dad. The list is endless. And its scary.

Another mysterious case solved

So jack (my imaginary friend) and me have been musing on how is it that we manage to get to office so fuckng late? I mean the office is supposed to begin and the last time one can get their tight firm buttocks in is about 0945 hrs. BUt guess what times for the last 2 months have chris and I have been walking in? Well if you are lucky you ll find me in office in about 15 past 10 or somewhere around 1100 hrs. And everybody has been quizzing me, well jack is the actual one who answers with all sorts of stupid questions: Sample this - "Hi, my name is dumb fucking blone and you are?"
"jack?" (he is awfully good with women)
"you look cute..."
"really?" (the rest of the conversation and animalistic sounds are censored... mostly because they can't be worded...)

So, when everybody has been pointing out to us that we been coming in late, it set jack and me thinking. Why? The quintessential question which is just like riding the bullet train. Kills all signs of boredom. And the answer came swiftly as I opened my eyes and jack whispered "dude its 11...you are fucked! royally!!!" with brimming grin, the kind where women are gushing in the highly controversial movie 'O! my gush!'. The thing is that there is no fucking traffic outside my place, unlike the old one. Its like fucking living in hill fucking station, you know with the clouds drifting in when you open the fucking tap to wash your face.

So anyway now that jack and I have figured out the serious reason as to why I am not able to wake up early and been coming late to office, and Jack and I have realized we are going to do shits about it!. Really why would you wanna get yourself out of bed anyway when you are fucking sleeping? Now, you would do something like that if you had a morning boner and you a sweetheart like Molly, KT or Brandi lying next to you... I did tell you Jack is a ladies man that lad... anyway! now that I have successfully solved this mystery as well. Time for me to retire back to bed!